SCIENCE: Convincing Yourself you have Swine Flu is Worse than Puberty.

Oh god, it's spring, the weather's beautiful, everyone's feeling great, and yet, and yet...

...you have mild flu-like symptoms. Things like achiness, tiredness, a runny nose, sneezing, coughing, maybe even some nausea and/or vomiting. It could just be your continuing allergy to the dust that you still haven't cleaned from every single surface in your apartment combined with the after-effects of those four glasses of sangria last night, or

IT COULD BE SWINE FLU!!!!

Think, dammit, think! Did you eat pork recently? Oh, okay, so that doesn't actually infect you. But did you talk to someone Mexican? Maybe while waiting for public transit? What's that? Oh, it's just more frequent in Mexico right now. Got it. But your nose - is it starting to turn up at the end? And that soreness in your butt - it's probably a TAIL!!! Wait, what? You mean it doesn't turn you into a pig? Are you telling me that my nose is genetically this way? Jesus Christ, how come no one ever filled me in?

Still, it might be swine flu, and just because it doesn't turn your body into anything more porcine than you've already managed yourself doesn't mean it's not a horrible, horrible fate, one worse than, or at least probably ensuring, death, right? No? Then why is it always on CNN these days, smart guy? A byproduct of the 24-hour news cycle and a lack of other novel stories, you say? Swine flu actually only affects you the way any other old flu would do, you say? The deaths in Mexico are really less about the viciousness of this particular strain of influenza, and more an indictment of their lack of public health investment in recent years as well as the huge gaps between the richest and poorest members of their society, you say?

...yeah, but I might have swine flu!

-Posted by Jilly