MATH: The Verbal Tip is Worse than Puberty

I don't work food-service anymore, but I used to. No, it's not a particularly challenging job, not mentally, at least, but it wears you out - all that smiling at folks who as often as not are rude in return, or subtly patronizing, or just for some reason immediately annoying (maybe it's the aviators being worn indoors, or the salmon-colored pants, or the tacky girlfriend, or...) takes a lot of effort. And of course you're running around like a pack-mule enslaved by American caloric consumption for hours at a time.

But service industry jobs and the people who make them even more horrible than they have to be just by their natures are not under discussion at the moment. What is under discussion?

The verbal tipper.

If you've worked in any sort of tips-possible service industry, you've met him or her. If you haven't, you may very well be him or her.

S/he's the one who, at the end of the meal you've busted your ass to bring to the table, after hours of forced laughs and canned wit, right when you're getting excited to either turn the table, or, better yet, never have it seated again so you can get the hell out of there, assaults you with a

"gosh, you're just about the best server we've ever had. Really the sweetest. Thanks so much!"

Oh no, don't tell me that, because that means...yup. A solid 10-15% for the best service you've received, anywhere, ever.

Are people aware that servers make $2.63 an hour? Yes, it is your responsibility to adequately cover the difference between that and a living wage. Did you know that 15% is now the industry-standard of what you have to report to the government? That's right, if you give me 10% on your check, I still have to say I earned 15% of it. Which is why 20% IS the standard tip now. It just is. You're living 15 to 20 years in the past if you try to argue anything else to me. If all of this information makes dining out more than you can afford, or a concept your selfishness just can't stomach, then don't go out to eat.

And for god's sake, don't leave me a verbal tip unless you plan to pony up with the kind that pays my bills - this is a JOB, it is NOT so fun just chatting with you that I want to forgo payment for my services. If you can't deal with that fact, or the fact of what your tip really ought to be, at the very least keep your mouth shut - after all, I don't come to your workplace, slice open your paycheck, bleed it by a huge percentage of its final value, then rub salt and lemons in the wound I've left behind and expect you to maintain a dopey grin while I do, now do I?

-Posted by Jilly