EXTRA-CURRICULARS: Adults Drunk-Puking are Worse than Puberty

Sometimes these entries take a little explaining - you may ask yourself "why would Jilly hate snow days?," or "what's really so wrong with tapeworms?," or "is she seriously that sad and petty as to worry about what her ex sees on facebook?" Fair questions all; one man's pet peeve is another man's favorite Friday-night activity.

I'm going to go out on a limb and say that today's offense is universally...offensive. If you disagree, it's probably because you need to seriously reexamine your life, and/or check yourself into a clinic, immediately.

That's because today's gripe is with the adult post-drinking puker. It's the guy who makes sure that, going to work on a Saturday morning, as I am wont to do, I won't be so sadly disadvantaged as not to know what, and how much of it, he ate last night. It's the chick who's sitting outside the bar just as you're coming in, sometime earlyish, before 11, with her head in her hands, and just when you assume she must be either phoning someone or smoking a cigarette, she pukes loudly and splashily all over her, and sometimes your, feet. It's the trio of ho-ed out girls coming back from "clubbing" who make the only cab that has stopped for me in the last 45 minutes totally unusable, covered as it is in their "fun."

Unprofessional, people.

I am aware of a very few exceptions to my contempt for the adult-puker.

Exception 1: very special event combined with a not-much-of-a-drinker celabratee. Think your girlfriend who's absolutely adorable and totally gets thrown by you, and her other friends', sailor-lifestyle at her bachelorette.

Exception 2: The first year out of college. I'm sure most anyone who did any sort of partying in college ended up spending some portion of some night(s) during those years over a toilet. That sort of drinking, much like the flow of vomit it results in, can't just be switched off like a switch. It's more like a backyard-hose valve that you slowly righty-tighten until, a year or so out, you have no place ever being that drunk anymore.

Exception 3: You were already a little sick when you started. This exception is much, much rarer than people who use it would have you think.

That's it for the exceptions, really, and frankly even those should fall under the "but-you-manage-to-make-it-to-the-toilet" category, because really, are you so wasted that you don't even know this is coming on? Really? That's tragic.

I don't want to hear any excuses - learn to hold your liquor or stop drinking so damned much that you impede ordinary pedestrians; do you know what a bitch stepping in a pile of puke is on a hungover Sunday morning?

-posted by Jilly