SOCIAL STUDIES: People who Think Their Dogs are Welcome Anywhere They Are are Worse than Puberty

I'll be the first to say it. I'm not much of a dog person.

No, I'm not Hitler.

I like dogs just fine, as long as they belong to someone else. They're sweet, and loving, and pretty adorable at times, but if they're smaller than a certain size they're bizarre fashion accessories, and if they're large enough not to draw Hilton comparisons, they usually leave their eau-de-dog all over your house, and, if you let them in to it, your car, and your clothes...the list goes on. Beyond that, basic dog management requires you to get up at 6 am to make sure s/he doesn't pee and/or poop on your floors, and likewise to leave the house at somewhere past dark for the same reason (yes, I am aware there are some dogs with steel bladders that aren't quite this demanding. If I ever had a dog, though, it would start peeing if I pushed it to 6:01 - it just would). Did I mention dog smell?

Basically, dogs are alright, but I could never own one.

Perhaps that's why I don't have the "right perspective" on dog owners. I think pet owners who can't be without their little guy for a few hours, or who need to bring the pet to social events, or who design products on kodak's website featuring the pet's picture (when I wear this t-shirt, s/he's around even when she isn't!) are creepy and need better hobbies. It just seems that cat-owners (or ferret, or hamster, or reptile, or bird etc etc) don't really do this as often as dog owners. Nix that - see "The Pursuit of Happiness: Ferrets," and then you'll realize why I'm pulling them from the list. And I'm pulling cats, because of a preponderance of crazy cat ladies in this world.

Regardless, cat owners don't take their animals with them into ice cream and coffee shops where I'm trying to eat food, and where I don't really appreciate a little spill on my table being licked up "because we're just out for a walk." They don't drag them into stores full of expensive goods where they can wreath around my ankles and potentially make me upset a display of crystal because "I couldn't just leave him outside!" This is even more frustrating when you see the person noticeably fail to ask if their pet can come in - dogs AREN'T people too - that's why they're called dogs.

And other-animal-owners certainly don't take them along my neighborhood sidewalks and the lawns of parks I frequent solely so that the animals can poop. I know there are responsible folks who clean up after their animals, but has there never been a time that you've been without a handy plastic bag, and been taken by poop surprise, dog owners? And what about the poop remnants and pee-puddles, clinging to sidewalk and grass, that I'm unaware are assaulting me? WHAT ABOUT THOSE???

It's great that you love your pet(s). It's great that they give people longer, smellier lives. It's great that the unconditional love of an animal has brought you back from the edge of the abyss where, driven by human cruelty, you'd been standing for more years than you can count. But that doesn't mean that my home, and restaurant, and store, and life, are your-pet friendly. For god's sake, dog-owners, get a room.

-Posted by Jilly